I’ve decided to take on an intense writing project related to the darkness that has overshadowed my life for so many years now. Very few around me know how hard it truly has been. Some think they do, but it’s worse… far worse. I hide it well… most days. Each morning has been like waking into a nightmare. I tell myself… get up… just keep going… one more day. I have, so far, but on the worst days, while I drag myself through, my thoughts frighten me. I can’t spend another year mired in this. It’s time to break free or fall trying.
My whole adult life I’ve studied why people excel and why they fail. I’ve read countless books, attended conferences, sat with five different counselors (all of them uniquely helpful), and spent a year with a professional coach. After all of this, I have a fairly clear picture of human success. I can talk to a person for just a few moments and see why they struggle or excel, and I can tell them how to start honing their mind toward excellence. But isn’t that the problem? It’s so easy to prescribe solutions to others isn’t it? So easy to dodge our own truth by shining a light on others’? The real challenge is looking at oneself and dedicating to change inside our own heads.
I have a very detailed map of my mind, how I think, and why. I can see my destructive tendencies and those that have led to my successes, and I know how to change the mind… deep down change. I’ve applied these techniques with great results… at times… in some places. Yet, I have these huge swaths of time in my life that I foundered and other areas I’ve never addressed.
When I say, “I’ve tried so hard to break free from the darkness” I’m lying. I haven’t ‘tried hard.’ If I’m being authentic and honest, the truth sounds more like this: “Over the last four years, I’ve put in about 5%-10% effort to live an amazing life. The rest of the time I wasted.” It’s no wonder I’m not where I want to be. That’s hard to admit, but it’s true, and that lack of commitment to my best self is slowly killing me by robbing me of each moment of my life, each day squandered until, years from now, I’ll look back and find this profound gift wasted. I can’t do another year like this… I won’t. Which leads me to this project…
A blog. Every day. Open heart. Success and failure. My attempt at 100% dedication to all that I’ve learned from time management, to pomodoro work periods, to gratitude, to metta, to meditation. It’s time for me to rise to who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing, why I’m doing it, and how I’m going to get it done. Then… damn well do it. All of this will be dragged out into the light in front of everyone, fears, failures, successes and all, and maybe, in opening this up, if anyone else draws something valuable from it, if he or she can run with even one thing, it will have great meaning to me.
This isn’t about being financially successful, or gaining fame or influence. It’s about saving my life. I’ve been hiding away, scared to fail, scared to REALLY try. As Steve Harvey once said, “Every successful person in this world has jumped.”
It’s time for me to jump.
Tomorrow, February 21st, 2018 is day 1 of 365. Every day a post no more than 500 words. I was going to start it on my birthday… but why wait to leap into the void? It might as well be now. What might my life be like one year from today if I really do this? If I give it my all?